age is really just a number

Are you part of the sandwich generation? And, No, I’m not talking about what kind of deli sandwich you like. I’m talking about women in their 40s and 50s who care for their aging parents while supporting their own children. This is just another version of superwoman syndrome that many of us suffer from. 

For years, I’ve considered myself very lucky to have my parents retire nearby so that they can participate in my children’s lives. Yes, that means free babysitting and lots of help with taxiing kids back and forth to their activities. As my parents have aged, I am now the taxi service back-and-forth for doctor’s visits and medical treatments when they are not very close by. This means juggling homework, cross country meets and horseback riding lessons with blood work, chemotherapy and specialist appointments. I’m still the lucky one because my parents live in the same town and are financially independent. I’m also blessed by the fact that I am self-employed therefore have a flexible schedule and only one child still at home; with the other two away at college.

Many of my friends have significantly more needy parents due to chronic illnesses and mental health issues. They also have post college adult sons and daughters who have “failure to launch” syndrome and have returned home due to the inability to support themselves or find a “real job”.

The statistics are real and startling. In the United States, it is estimated that one in every eight Americans age 40 to 70 is BOTH raising a child and caring for a parent. Would you believe that almost 30% of adult sons and daughters, age 25 to 34, live with their parents? #truth. And our parents are living significantly longer, in fact, the number of older Americans 65+ is estimated to double to 70 million people by 2030. The sandwich generation version of superwoman syndrome is only going to proliferate.

So why do we care? Becoming a member of the sandwich generation affects your financial status, personal time, health and career development. 

Typically, the children with “failure to launch” are more capital-intensive and elderly parents are more time and labor–intensive.

The financial burden now needs to be addressed when planning your own retirement. On average almost 50% of adults are providing some sort of financial support to their grown children and it is estimated that 25% are financially supporting their parents as well. That’s a lot of support money that usually isn’t taken into account when planning your personal retirement needs.

Taking care of your elderly parents, especially if there are mental health issues, while caring for your children is a very time-consuming task. When all of these tasks start consuming your life, you can experience stress, burnout, and depression. You often feel pulled in so many directions but yet feel guilty that you can’t do more. To top off all of that stress, marital difficulties often occur due to these time challenges. It’s hard to be everything or everybody. And pay for it too! Sound familiar?

So how do we cope with being part of the sandwich generation? Reality is that we want to take care of everyone; but we have to make priorities and ask for help.

Here are some tips to staying sane and finding balance in an unbalanced situation.

1. Realize that this too shall pass. Children will grow up and become more independent. Parents will grow older and their passing is part of the circle of life. I recommend that you reflect on this moment in time. Try to enjoy life as it is. Embrace the fact that you are able to spend precious time with your parents and repay their love by helping them at a very vulnerable time in their lives. Believe me, you’ll actually look back at this time fondly when they have passed.
2. Practice self-care. It is true that if you don’t take care of yourself, you will soon be unable to take care of anyone else. Make sure that you eat right, exercise, have some kind of stress relief (yoga, meditation, massage, etc.) and take care of your own health needs.
3. Use technology to update family members. Well-meaning friends, church members, and out-of-town family members will call you incessantly asking for updates if your parents are ill. Use group text or emails to update everyone on a regular schedule.
4. Share the load. You don’t have to do everything yourself. Stop stressing and start delegating. Your older children can help. If you can’t recruit friends, family or church members to help you; then hire some help. It’s worth it for your sanity. There are actually even intergenerational daycare programs that provide eldercare as well as childcare under one roof in some cities. The great idea! Definitely started by someone who is a member of the sandwich generation.
5. Prioritize what matters. You are only one person and there are only 24 hours in a day. This does not change. Make a list and then start crossing off things that you really don’t matter. Not everything is a must–do. Learn to say no or I will get to that when I have time.
6. Be a little selfish. Yes, it’s okay to take some time for you. In fact, I think it’s a necessity. Burnout is real! I’ve been there! Give yourself permission to take time for yourself every day. This can be your exercise time, meditation, a hot bath, or a clandestine romance novel.
7. Lean on support. Talk to your friends and family. Venting is okay. You may find that many of your friends are experiencing similar stress and time constraints. You can help each other through this difficult time. If you feel like you’re leaning too much on the people close to you, then find a local support group for caretakers or seek professional counseling. Talking always helps.
8. When everything else fails, drink heavily. I’m just kidding. Really, I’m just kidding. See number seven above if you think you are using stress relief that is detrimental to your health. Seriously, when you’re at the end of your rope, take a moment and just breathe.

The sandwich generation version of superwoman syndrome is widespread, especially in women age 40 to 70 in United States. It is important to address the stress that occurs and realize that although many of us think that this is a normal part of life, there are ways to mitigate the stress and decreased the burnout and depression that often accompanies this syndrome.