age is really just a number

Last week I gave a small talk on burnout and being a Mom. This was followed by a very animated discussion. The topic really resonated with the Mom’s Next group at the local church. These are the notes from that talk.

Moms, do you feel tired? Overwhelmed? Have you continually put off the things you need to do for you? Do you feel like it’s all worth it because your kids are happy? Are you “over” being a mother?

If you answered yes to these questions, you’re not alone. Parents today want to create the ideal childhood for their children.

Women strive to be the picture-perfect Facebook mother that looks amazing, hosts the best birthday parties in town, posts the most “liked” photos, and serves delicious, nutritious home-cooked meals in her neat, organized home after ferrying the kids to school and a host of extracurricular activities on time.

This drive, while noble, can also be destructive, causing stress and anxiety that leads to burnout. Then add a career or any outside activities; this can be incredibly overwhelming.

Modern moms are all too often plagued by exhaustion, failure, isolation, self-doubt, and a general lack of self-love, and their families are also feeling the effects, too.

Let’s talk about this modern epidemic among mothers who put their children’s happiness above their own.

Women experience higher levels of stress and anxiety than men in their day-to-day decision-making. Men are more likely to base decisions on facts and leave emotions out. Women typically make decisions based on both facts and emotion.

The emotional toll is compounded by trying to balance success at work, often being the primary caretaker for any children in the household and staying on top of the housework, too. Mom burnout is real.

All that juggling – and the guilt from not doing it perfectly – results in women experiencing burnout more often than men.

In my recent book, Drop the S: Recovering from Superwoman Syndrome, I discussed my own personal journey through professional burnout. The inner drive that we must excel often leads to overwhelming stress.  Chronic stress can lead to burnout.

I am not alone. A recent survey by LinkedIn of American women revealed 74% are experiencing symptoms of burnout as compared to 61% of men.

Bottom line: We are all at risk for burnout and need to streamline our lives to serve our needs and learn healthier ways to distribute our stress.

Let’s delve a little deeper. What is burnout? There are varied opinions.

In 2019, the World Health Organization (WHO) recognized Burnout Syndrome as an occupational phenomenon, stressing that this is not a medical condition but a syndrome resulting from chronic workplace stress that hasn’t been successfully managed. I disagree and argue that it becomes a medical condition as it progresses toward chronic burnout.

The WHO defines Burnout Syndrome as:

• Feelings of excessive energy depletion and fatigue
• Increased mental distance from one’s job
• Feelings of negativity or cynicism toward one’s job
• Reduced professional efficacy

For me, adrenal fatigue was a genuine medical disorder. My doctor had tried to find another cause, but at a time in my life when my cortisol levels should have been rising due to perimenopause, my cortisol levels were almost nonexistent. As I tried to be Superwoman, block out my issues, and be everything for everybody, the stress was killing me. It had exhausted my adrenal glands, depleted my ability to maintain my cortisol levels, and caused my extreme fatigue and a myriad of other symptoms. If you’re interested in my story, you can pick up a copy of. My book at DroptheS.com.

It’s important to note that adrenal fatigue isn’t the same as adrenal insufficiency, which is an autoimmune disorder. Adrenal fatigue means that the stress hormone levels are so chronically high that your adrenals are tired and telling you to eff off!

Many physicians argue that adrenal fatigue doesn’t exist. They think the symptoms attributed to this disorder are vague and can be explained by other medical conditions if you look hard enough. The Endocrine Society, the world’s largest organization of endocrinologists flatly says that adrenal fatigue isn’t a real disease. They encourage a complete workup to rule out any other medical issues that can cause the fatigue. In my case, there was no other explanation.

Whether you define burnout as a medical disorder or just a mental health syndrome, it’s real and is affecting way too many of us. Society at large is being affected by Mom burnout.

Let’s talk just a little more about stress. There are two different kinds of stress: acute and chronic. Acute stress is short-lived. You feel it when you’re holding the steering wheel and almost collide with another vehicle or when a wild animal is chasing you. It helps you escape a dangerous experience or do something fun and exhilarating like skydiving. It’s not usually harmful and vanishes when the situation is over.

Chronic stress lingers over time. The triggers that cause the stress response are persistent, and your body is constantly releasing stress hormones like cortisol and epinephrine. This kind of stress strains the adrenal glands, which invariably leaves them incapable of meeting the body’s demands. Chronic stress is the most common cause of adrenal fatigue and burnout.

What are the symptoms of burnout?

• Physical and Mental Exhaustion
• Workplace Dread
• Hair Thinning/Loss
• Chronic Anxiety
• Irritability
• Lack of Restful Sleep
• Performance Decline
• Behavioral Changes
• Chronic Headaches
• Chronic Stomach or GI problems
• Complete Neglect of Personal needs
• Desire to Quit or “Drop out” of Society
• Development of an Escapist mentality
• Feeling Empty inside
• Obsession over problems at the office or in life
• Pessimistic outlook on your practice and life
• Self-doubt
• Social isolation

How do we diagnose burnout from adrenal fatigue? We first rule out everything else with a comprehensive workup for fatigue that includes:

• Hormonal imbalances or early menopause
• Depression
• Anemia
• Hypothyroidism
• Autoimmune diseases like lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, ankylosing spondylitis, and fibromyalgia
• Chronic infections, especially viral like post-COVID syndrome
• Other diseases that can cause chronic fatigue like high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, kidney disease, multiple sclerosis, adrenal insufficiency, and cancer.

If your medical workup for fatigue showed no medical reasons for being so tired, or you and your doctor have determined that you aren’t depressed, then it’s time to consider adrenal fatigue or what I defined as Superwoman Syndrome in my book.

Adrenal fatigue is diagnosed with either a DUTCH test (dried urine test for comprehensive hormones) or a saliva cortisol test. I did the saliva test. The test involves spitting into a test tube over a twenty-four-hour period. Cortisol is measured four times—8:00 a.m., noon, 4:00 p.m., and between 11:00 p.m. and midnight. This test showed that I had almost no cortisol and a lower-than-normal progesterone level.

After receiving the diagnosis of adrenal fatigue, what can we do to recover? First and foremost, take it seriously. I waited until I was in the 4^th stage of burnout before I really sought out any help. This is typical of most type A people. Let’s face it, we feel like we are ten feet tall and bulletproof. Until we’re not.

What are the stages of Burnout?

Stage 1: The Honeymoon Phase: At this stage, it might not feel like anything is wrong! You love your family, you’re building your personal fiefdom, and you’re excited to keep doing more of it. You want to prove yourself to be the best, take on everything, and productivity is through the roof! It’s easy to be optimistic about the future.

Stage 2: The Balancing Act: Things are still going well, and you’re happy to be doing what you’re doing. But you’re starting to notice that some parts of your life are stressful. You have a little anxiety before the tough days and look for ways to distract yourself sometimes.

Stage 3: Chronic Stress: Anxiety is now happening every day, because every day feels like a tough day. Your family feels like a burden, and you dread getting up in the morning. There is just too much to do. All your focus is on the stress, you’re procrastinating and finding it harder to meet deadlines. If you’re still making time for a social life, you spend more of it blaming others or talking only about work troubles.

Stage 4: Burnout Crisis: You’re feeling detached from life and work, without any sense of control. Your mental health is starting to suffer, and good coping strategies seem out of reach. Often you are drinking too much or have other unhealthy distractions. It feels like the only way to not breakdown is to make a drastic changes.

Stage 5: Burnout as a Lifestyle: By now, burnout has become a way of life and may start to show up as a serious mental or physical illness. You think of your family as only being a burden but getting away from it feels impossible. Worst of all, this has been happening long enough that it all feels normal. This is the stage where stress can kill you.

Most women do not seek help until at least stage 3 or 4. Recovery from burnout can take over a year in the later stages. Lifestyle, mindset, and behavior changes have to happen, and it starts with your family!

Realize you do not have to be Superman or Superwoman to have a successful family unit. We need to stop glamorizing the grind! Prioritize your health, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Shift your perspective to determine which aspects of your situations are fixed and which can be changed. Small changes can make a big difference in your stress level.

You are part of the problem. Time to reassess your role and work on your leadership style.

How do we do this? I will give you a running analogy. You cannot sprint a marathon, but that is often how we run our families. We grind it out as hard as we can until we find ourselves utterly exhausted. It would be better if we treat our life like a HIIT workout. We have times where we grind it out, but then we rest, recharge, and then grind it out again. This means working on communication and systems. Teamwork. Better collaboration and delegation of tasks. Systems, systems, systems! You should be enabling your kids and spouse, not doing everything for them.

You should also rethink your schedule. Your kids do not have to be in every sport. They don’t need you to be their tutor for everything. Ditch the multi-tasking thought process. You get a lot more accomplished when you’re not trying to multi-task.

Steps to avoid or recover from burnout:

• Quiet your inner critic. Focus on the positive. Learn self-love and self-care are not selfish.
• Learn to say NO to things that don’t help you reach your goals.
• Find your tribe. The power of the mastermind.
• Seek work life balance.
• Let go of perfectionism. Often, good enough is good enough.
• Emphasize teamwork at home. Delegate. Ask for help. Automate when possible.
• Exercise regularly.
• Daily meditation, prayer, journaling, or quiet time.
• Healthier eating habits. Hydrate.
• Plan your alcohol consumption or quit drinking entirely.
• Sleep 7+ hours a night.
• Moderate your social media time. Only check emails twice a day. Ditch your Apple watch while with your family. Unplug as much as you can.
• Seek financial security with a budget and savings plan. Debt is a huge stressor.
• Pursue spiritual fulfillment.

You can have it all, just not all at the same time!

You cannot be everything for everybody!

Remind yourself, it is difficult to pour from an empty cup. Work on refilling yours!

Let’s teach the next generation of Moms how to balance their lives and practices so burnout will be a thing of the past!